my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
