oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
