I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
