You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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