It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
