A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
