ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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