After last night, I could never be a politician.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
