i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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