cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
