why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
