i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
