im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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