mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.