i just had sex bonerless
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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