By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
