Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
