I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
