You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
