I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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