i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
