my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
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I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
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Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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