The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
