Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
