My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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