pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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