I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
