Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
