Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
