Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
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So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
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That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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