I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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