I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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