Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
