I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
