I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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