I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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