if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Randomize
