history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
