that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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