Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
