ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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