i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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