I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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