I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
