True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
