I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
