If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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