you would pick up someone in the library
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.