i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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