this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
