It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Randomize
