I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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