even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
