hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
