She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
we made out on top of his cat.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
