Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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