He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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