allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I see more hoeing in ur future
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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