My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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